You Can Now Use A Dick Pic As A Password
What if instead of using a password you could just use your penis?
CamSoda, the webcam platform, is proposing you do just that. They’re launching a very intimate new way to keep your account secure. It’s called Dick-ometrics, and as the name suggests it uses your peen print as a way to identify you. Okaaaaay.
Here’s how it works: Beginning today, you’ll be able to use a pic of your dick in place of a more traditional password. To do this, you’ll need to supply an establishing shot of your member. Then when you want to log in, they’ll use their “proprietary Penis Recognition Tech” to match your penis to the initial photo.
The eventual plan is to be able to use a penisprint in the same way you’d use a fingerprint. So you’d, like, put your peen on a reader and then some beeps and bops would happen and then voilà. (This all seems sort of unsanitary…) All of this is meant to provide an added layer of security, but wouldn’t it be easier to just use… a fingerprint?
Well, this is how Darren Press, CamSoda’s VP, explained it in a statement: “Like a fingerprint and an eyeball, which are two of most commonly used body parts in biometric technologies, the penis has many, many differentiating factors like size, color, and vein protrusion. However, unlike fingerprints and eyeballs, penises are not exposed to the public a lot of the time and mostly kept under clothing and shared with loved ones – presumably who are trusted.”
Hmm. There are any number of logistically confusing things about this. But first among them is that the company says an erect penis is preferable since there are more “differentiating qualities for verification.” But what if you need, um, access to CamSoda before you can reach that state?
Also, what about those of us who don’t have a penis to scan? Well, CamSoda says there are “plans to develop similar technology for women.” I mean, maybe that’s not necessary, but thanks for offering.
Anyway, these kinds of pesky details probably aren’t worth fretting about, since it seems unlikely that penisprints will take over as the dominant method for logging in across the internet.
But just imagine how interesting life could be if they did.
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